A Major Decision
The urge to be disabled came back with a rush a couple of weeks after
I could walk normally. I was at the mall and I saw a woman in her
twenties with absolutely no legs. She was in a wheelchair like my
ultra-light except she had no foot rests. I guessed she was a double hip
disarticulate. She had jeans on, or at least the top. The legs were cut
off and sewn shut. It was like she was wearing a bag over what was left
of her lower body. She was alone and wheeling around. I followed her
discretely into the lingerie department of a department store. She had
on a sleeveless top and I could see her bra straps slipping off her
shoulders slightly. She really turned me on. I wanted to know what it
felt like to be just like her. I knew full well what it was like to be
confined to a wheelchair, but the thought of having absolutely no legs
“Can you reach those blue panties for me?” she said startling me. I
was next to her looking over the panties on the wall. “I wear a size
“Oh sure,” I replied getting the panties and handing them to her.
“Thanks. Being down low is a bitch.”
“I know exactly how you feel,” I replied.
“You do? Have you ever had to use a wheelchair?”
“I was paralyzed several years ago and spent two years in a chair
almost identical to yours. Eventually I had surgery that worked and I
could walk again,” I lied.
“Oh wow. I would never have guessed. I lost my legs because of cancer
five years ago. They had to amputate at my hips.”
“I am so sorry,” I said.
“I am used to it now.”
Her name was Lois. We shopped together and even went for a cup of
coffee. She told me her story and thanked me for helping her shop. I
went home with an entirely renewed desire for a disability. I wanted a
permanent one, but not my legs, I liked my legs and the way they looked
in nylons, paralyzed or not. I had to think about this. I needed to
speak to Andrea. The next day Andrea came over.
“I think it is the time for me to become permanently disabled,” I
“Oh. I had the feeling you would eventually take the route that I
did. What disability do you want? You have tried so many,” Andrea asked.
“I don’t know. I do love wearing hooks. Would you mind showing me
“Of course not. Help me off with my hooks.”
I helped Andrea remove her top, hooks, and stump socks. She had two
lovely above the elbow stumps.
“If you go double above the elbow you will be quite disabled as I am.
I need lots of help for things. Once I am in my hooks I can do a lot of
things you do when you wear your below the elbow hooks, but not
everything. The locking and unlocking of my elbows is always necessary.
I am sure you know all this already. Have you considered permanent
paralysis or being permanently blind?” Andrea asked.
“A little. I am not sure I want to be blind or a quad. I like being
able to get around without help. I could do that if I was an arm amputee
or was paralyzed from the waist down. I do like my legs and the feeling
of wearing pantyhose and crossing my legs wearing a short skirt.”
“Since I was born female I am not quite so turned on by pantyhose
clad legs. I can understand it in your case. You appreciate the female
body more since you weren’t born with one. You had to work hard to look
the way you do. If you do want your arms amputated you will have to
decide if you want to be a below or above the elbow amputee,” Andrea
“Why did you decide on above the elbow amputations?” I asked.
“I spent many days pretending to be a below the elbow amputee. There
were things I couldn’t do, but not that many. I wanted a greater
challenge,” Andrea explained.
I helped Andrea back into her hooks and clothing. We chatted some
more about my need to decide if I wanted a permanent disability and what
it would be. Later that day I inserted a Foley catheter and asked my
aunt to help me into my iron lung. I wanted to spend a few days that way
to think. When the pump was turned on I fell asleep. I was always
comforted by the cocoon the tank provided. My urinary needs were taken
care of by my catheter.
Kevin came over the next day and we talked about my pending decision.
He loved me in hooks, but said he liked all my disabilities as long as
he could care for me. After three days of thinking I made my decision. I
wanted both arms amputated above the elbow, high up, with just enough
stump for a prosthesis.
The Real Life Test Begins
My aunt took me to see Dr. Marks. I wore my hooks. I explained that I
wanted to become a real double above the elbow amputee.
“You are very proficient with your hooks I can see, but being above
the elbow will be a much greater handicap. You also need to show that
you are comfortable living 24 hours a day without arms. Before I agree
to the surgery you need to spend the next six months as an above the
elbow amputee. You need to be restricted such that you either use hooks
or your arms and hands are restrained. You also need to get a special
prosthesis that simulates that of an above the elbow amputee”, he
He went on to tell me about the surgery and recovery that I would
expect should I still want the surgery after six months. He would also
contact my prosthetist to prescribe my new prosthesis and restraint
devices. I was eager to get started on my trial period. I decided that I
would wear my DBE prosthesis full time until my new hooks were ready. I
was both ecstatic and apprehensive as we walked out of the doctor’s
office. I was happy I had on my hooks since made the moment more
The next day we went to see my prosthetist. Of course my hooks were
on. After my top was removed the prosthetist helped me out of my hooks
and removed my stump socks. I resisted using my hands and just let them
hang limply. For the next hour he made molds of my arms all the way up
to my armpits. He had me curl up my hands the way I do when they are
inside the sockets of my prosthesis, He made many measurements as well.
He said my new prosthesis would be ready in a week.
The week dragged by as I waited for my DAE hooks. I felt very
comfortable with my DBE hooks of course. I had my aunt bathe me and
shave my legs. This would prepare me for the way I would need to live
for the next six months and then for the rest of my life. I never used
my hands even once. Finally I got a call that my new prosthesis was
After my DBE prosthesis and stump socks were removed the prosthetist
unscrewed both of my Hosmer 5X hooks. Since they cost quite a bit he
could use them on my new arms by just screwing them in. He attached the
control cables to each hook and placed new stump socks on my arms. I was
thrilled as I inserted first my right arm and then my left arm into the
sockets as the harness was placed over my shoulders. My new prosthesis
was very different from my old one which only had sockets that went part
way up my forearms. My new forearm sockets went all the way up to my
elbows. The upper arm sockets went up to my armpits. My upper and lower
sockets were joined by rigid hinges. There was a second control cable
that connected to one of the hinges. I knew that this was for locking
and unlocking my elbows. I was just so incredibly excited when I
realized that I would more than likely have a prosthesis like this for
the rest of my life. Of course I would have elbow joints and my forearms
would not be sockets, but rather solid substitutes. My prosthetist made
preliminary adjustments to the four cables and the harness straps. The
prosthetist explained some things to me.
“Paula, there are some innovations to help simulate a DAE prosthesis.
The elbow locks work normally, but a real amputee has to lift her arms
using the main control cables, lock her elbows and then she can open and
close her hooks. Since you have arms you can lift your arm without the
use of the control cable and your shoulder. You could try to keep your
arm limp and use the cable, but this takes a lot of dedication. To make
a better simulation I have two mechanisms. The first is a simple spring
that constantly wants to lower your arm. This works with the inner
hinge. The second is a special lock that prevents you from raising your
arm unless there is tension on the main control cable. You have to use
the cable to raise your arm. Unless you lock your elbow hinge the spring
will want to lower your arm. These two mechanisms provide a very good
simulation of how it will be when your arms end above your elbows.”
I practiced for the next half hour as he adjusted the cables and
straps to perfect lengths. I knew immediately that I was now
significantly more disabled. Not only did I have to deal with the need
to lock and unlock my elbows I had absolutely no ability to rotate my
forearm. My arm was rigid from the armpit down except that I could bend
my elbow. The only ways I had to position my hooks were by using the
tilt feature of my wrist units or manually rotating the hook. The latter
was really hard to do. I knew it would take me a lot of time to position
my hooks for some tasks. I really liked that idea. Before we left the
prosthetist showed me the two restraints he had made per my doctor’s
orders. Each one consisted of two padded plastic cuffs riveted together
to form a figure eight.
“Your doctor told me to tell you that you must wear these restraints
at all times unless you are wearing your prosthesis. They are waterproof
and you can be bathed while wearing them. Someone will need to place
them on you as soon as your prosthesis is removed. You must never use
I knew that something like this was going to be required. After some
final adjustments we were ready to leave. It was then that I realized I
would probably never use my hands again unless after six months I
decided I did not want to go through with my amputations. On the way
home we stopped for some lunch. I could barely manage with my new hooks.
I had a lot of practice to do.
“You look so lovely in your new hooks Paula,” my aunt said.
I wondered if the people in the restaurant regarded me that way. I
knew some guys did. Once in a while I could tell when one of them was
looking at my hooks. Well maybe it was my legs or boobs, but I suspected
it was my hooks.
After we got home Kevin came over to see my new hooks. He loved them
and the fact that I would be using them permanently or at least for six
months. When it was time for bed my aunt helped me out of my clothes and
my prosthesis. She immediately fastened the larger cuff of each
restraint around my upper arm just below my armpits. Then I raised each
arm and she fastened the smaller cuffs tightly around my wrists. The
buckles were on the outside so I could not get at them with my mouth.
The restraints gave me the illusion that I had only stumps as I hoped I
eventually would. After she helped me into my nightie she helped me get
into bed. I would spend the night and all future nights with my arms
folded up to my shoulders where my hands were positioned in a useless
manner. The next morning I would begin my first full day as a double
above the elbow amputee. What would the next six months be like?
The exciting conclusion is next.