Chapter Ten – Tami gets her Wish
Every day that followed I was consumed by the desire to have my arms amputated. I wanted to truly be armless and need my hooks for the rest of my life. I wanted the confidence that I could never be revealed as a pretender. I started to search the web and read as much as I could. I discovered the devotee and wannabe groups. I knew I was not alone in wanting to become a real amputee. I looked at pictures of real bilateral arm amputees and envied them, especially the ones using their hooks.
Finally I got a lead on a possible way to become an amputee. I heard there was a surgeon in Thailand who did sex changes and was reputed to do other elective surgeries. I didn’t know if this included voluntary amputations as well. I decided to e-mail this doctor and feel him out. To my surprise he openly admitted to having performed such surgeries before. I was thrilled. My dream might just become reality. I could become a real bilateral arm amputee.
The next day I spoke to my director. I asked him if the movie would be better if I actually became an arm amputee. There would be no need for special effects which never looked convincing.
“Of course it would make the movie so much more real, but it’s only a dream,” he said.
“What if I could find someone to amputate my arms?”
“You have to be kidding,” he said.
“No, I am serious. I like needing to wear hooks. I want to actually need them and live the rest of my life wearing them. You might find it hard to believe, but I really love them. They turn me on so much you can’t imagine.”
He looked at me and his mouth just sort of dropped open. “You really are serious, aren’t you?”
“You have no idea,” I said
Well one thing led to another and he agreed that the script and scenes would be revised to focus on my amputations if I actually went through with the surgery. He agreed to delay the shooting until I recovered. I would be a real DBE amputee.
“You know the scene in the bedroom where I appear with the empty sleeves?” I asked my director. He nodded. “Well I want my lover to take my sweater off and I want to be just in my bra with my two bandaged arm stumps. I want close-ups of the two stumps, my real stumps,” I said.
“God Tami, you amaze me,” he replied. “We will do whatever you want.”
I left feeling happier than I could ever imagine. I looked down at my two hooks and knew that now I would never have to go without them for the rest of my life.
I made immediate arrangements for the surgery and wired the funds. It was not cheap, but well within my ability to pay. Nancy agreed to come with me. She couldn’t get over the idea that I would do this. We booked the flight for early the following week. I debated going without my hooks, but I couldn’t stand the thought of ever using my hands again so I decided to go as myself, a young woman who needed prosthetic hooks.
I enjoyed the flight to Thailand even though it was long. I felt so good sitting on the plane with my hooks in my lap. I knew it would be a while before I would be able to wear hooks again, but when I did it would be permanently. I imagined how great it would be to have no fears about showing my prosthesis to anyone. I couldn’t do that now because it was too obvious I had hands if someone saw my sockets and harness. I always had to wear loose fitting long sleeves. I dreamed of even wearing a tank top with my prosthesis fully exposed for everyone to see.
After we arrived Nancy and I checked into our hotel. We got some dinner in the hotel restaurant. Of course I ate with my hooks as usual. We spent the evening roaming around the city. I was very nervous about the next day when I would meet with Dr. Lee. Finally we turned in for the night.
The next morning we got up early and had breakfast sent up to the room. I decided to wear my hooks for my meeting with Dr. Lee. We took a cab to the clinic and were warmly greeted by a nice young woman. She never made a comment about my hooks. I was quite certain she knew why I was there. Dr. Lee finally came into the waiting room and escorted me into his office. Nancy stayed in the waiting room.
“So Tami, I understand you want your arms amputated,” Dr. Lee said. “I see you are already quite familiar with the fact that you will need hooks after your amputations.”
“Oh yes, I have been using hooks full time for quite a while now. I really want to make my need permanent.”
“I see. I would like to check out your arms if you don’t mind,” Dr. Lee said. He then helped me take off my top and then getting out of my prosthesis.
“Can you use your hands any more?” he asked.
“A little, but I can’t open them without a lot of pain. They have been curled up inside my sockets for so long now that they seem to be permanently positioned that way.”
“Yes, I imagine they are now quite useless. So where would you like your amputations to be?”
“I want stumps just long enough below my elbows to fit well into my prosthesis.”
“That will be no problem. Are you sure you want me to do this? It will be permanent of course.”
“Absolutely,” I insisted.
“In that case I can perform the operation this afternoon.”
“No reason to wait. It is not a complicated procedure for someone without injuries.”
I agreed and Dr. Lee explained that I would be prepped in about an hour and the surgery performed within two hours. I was amazed at how fast things were moving. He called for an aid who then took me to a private room. Of course Nancy came along. She took my prosthesis with her. I would not be able to use it again as I would need new sockets for my real stumps. A few minutes later I was in a hospital gown and an IV was inserted. A mild tranquilizer was administered through the IV line. Shortly a nurse came in with a wheelchair to take me to surgery. Nancy said she would be waiting when I woke up in recovery.
I was taken into the operating room and Dr. Lee was waiting. “Are you sure you want to go through with this Tami?” he asked. “There is no going back.”
“Wait,” I shouted. “I changed my mind.”
I knew the surgeon expected I might have last minute reservations, but he never expected what I said.
“You don’t want to go through with this Tami?”
“I changed my mind. I want both arms amputated above the elbow, midway between my shoulders and elbows. I want to be a bilateral above the elbow amputee.”
I knew things would be much harder for me, but I loved being handicapped that just the thought of being a DAE was incredibly exciting.
“These will be much more debilitating amputations Tami. You realize you will be much less independent with above the elbow amputations.” Dr. Lee explained.
“Yes, I know what I am getting into and I am now quite certain that as long as I am doing it I want more extreme amputations. I want to be as armless as possible while still allowing the use of functional prosthesis.”
“Very well. I will remark your arms for approximately four inch stumps.”
Things moved rapidly from that point and before I knew it I was under general anesthesia. There was no going back now.
A few hours after the surgery I woke up. The first thing I asked was for the covers to be lowered so I could look at my heavily bandaged stumps. They were gone, both my arms. This was permanent. I was now a DAE and very handicapped for the rest of my life. I was happier than I had ever been. I was armless and just the thought of the day I would get my new above elbow prosthesis was turning me on. Nancy was at my side.
“God Tami. They made a horrible mistake. They amputated your arms above the elbows instead of below. I am so sorry. I can’t believe they could make such a mistake.”
“What do you mean?”
“I asked for a change and wanted to be a DAE,” I explained to Nancy.
“Tami, you will be ever so much more handicapped now. I hope you didn’t make a mistake.”
“I know I didn’t Nancy. It’s what I really wanted all along, but was just holding off.”
I knew I would love being armless and the more extreme handicap. I couldn’t wait to try out the artificial elbows I would be fitted with. I knew that my main control cable would now serve a dual purpose. It would not only open and close my hook but it would also raise and lower my arm. A second cable would lock and unlock my elbow joint. I would be unable to do some of the things I could previously do and I knew I would need someone to help me. I probably would have trouble dressing. These thoughts thrilled me. I was no longer a pretender. I was a real double arm amputee, and above the elbow. Wow! I was so excited. I knew I would never miss my arms. I had two beautiful stumps instead.
I spent a couple of days recovering in the clinic. My stumps were heavily bandaged and I did have quite a bit of pain. It was worth it though. I was permanently armless and happier than I had ever been.
It was finally time to leave. Of course I was completely helpless at this point, and would be for several weeks. Nancy would have to feed me and care for my other needs. I knew the time would drag until I finally got my new hooks and could start to live the life I had been dreaming of.
Nancy and I finally left Thailand. I loved being out in public being truly armless. I wore a short sleeve top and just a small amount of my bandaged stumps were dangling below the sleeves. I got lots of stares and loved every one. Nancy feed me on the plane and I enjoyed the feeling of helplessness, at least for a short time. I knew I would be doing things for myself once I got my new hooks.
When we finally got back to the US I was ready for my recovery. Nancy moved in with me to take care of me. I knew I would use my feet as much as I could during my recovery. It would be good practice since I knew I would use my feet for some things even after I got my hooks. I knew I would never regret my decision to become an armless woman. Every time I looked at my bandaged stumps in the mirror I became instantly aroused. I loved my armless appearance.